Soap Opera: Uncensored Issue 3 Read online

ABC soap aired its last episode on Sept. 23.

  Conversely, Sony’s sibling soap, DAYS, welcomed AMC fans with open arms with big comebacks (Deidre Hall! Drake Hogestyn! Matt Ashford!); stellar, contemporary writing; outside-the-box PR; and improved production. Subsequently, DAYS shot up the demos and ratings. Consequently, Y&R sunk — even though it airs a half-hour opposite AMC’s old timeslot. Sad, because Y&R has more in common with AMC then it does with DAYS since Bill Bell and Agnes Nixon were Irna Phillips’ protégés. Discuss this over coffee at Crimson Lights.

  Yes, La In-Law Bell hired AMC Emmy-winning fan fave Debbi Morgan but she didn’t debut on Y&R a week after AMC went off the air. B&B made sure Jacob Young, who played JR on AMC, was on the show before it left the airwaves for good. It seems everyone was prepared to attract AMC viewers— including my dog, Kayla — except daytime’s number-one soap.

  Creatively, Y&R should have been sound by the time AMC faded off to the soap heavens, and its super star Melody Thomas Scott (who has been off the show since April) should have returned on the Monday AMC’s lame replacement, The Chew, debuted.

  It’s not brain science.

  Instead, Y&R fans were greeted with contrived storytelling and universally disliked characters. Where were the Newmans and Abbotts? They should have been front and centre. Apparently, Bell thought opening and closing important Monday and Friday shows with the maligned and boring Sofia/Neil/Malcolm storyline — and showcasing octogenarian Jeanne Cooper in every show (love her; but give her a break!) — was the way to go.

  How is that working out for you, Ave Maria?

  While sources attest that Maria isn’t writing the show (co-head writers Hogan Sheffer and Scott Hamner are with their pre-pubescent tastes), she’s allowing them to run the show into the ground with their copycat mystery and adventure storylines that are in direct opposition with the soap’s history and identity. So she is to blame, because she’s the boss.

  “Maria takes credit when the show does something right,” points out another mole. “So it makes sense that she has to take the blame when the show is horrible. And she never does. After all, she’s a character-driven writer. I have no idea what she’s writing other than Gen’s storyline.”

  Since it’s dicey to fire a Bell (even one by marriage), Sony would be wise to re-hire Sally Sussman Morina and Jack Smith (who were Bill Bell’s protégés — and won joint Emmys for helming Y&R five years ago) as co-head writers — and keep Maria as an executive producer in name only. Sony can hire someone to co-executive produce, ala DAYS.

  If I was Bill Bell Jr., I would say to Maria: “Honey, I love you but I refuse to have you ruin my father’s legacy… just because I pound you every night. And that’s not how you — or I —want to go down in history as the people responsible for destroying a show that has been number-one in the ratings for almost three decades.”

  But what do I know?

  SOAP MEME:

  P&G Soaps On Demand: Welcome back, Oakdale and Springfield!

  Well, it’s about freakin’ time! Procter and Gamble Productions' rep the company has in fact made a deal with a distributor to sell a 4-Disc As The World Turns DVD collection! Twenty episodes from the cancelled CBS soap are being offered up on four discs entitled "Great Weddings," "Secrets and Scandals," "Oakdale Through The Years" and "Villains and Vixens." This move comes on the heels of news that classic P&G soaps have been licensed to air abroad. To get your copy of the 4-disc World Turns DVD collection call 1(800) 998-5199. The website for the venture, www.soapclassics.com, is scheduled to go live sometime tonight!

  "In the first quarter of 2012 we will launch online streaming," Mark Yates, President of SoapClassics.com (is that an oxymoron?) announced.  "I would say World Turns first, then looking at Guiding Light later in the year."

  Heck, I wouldn’t mind streaming classic Y&R episodes from two years ago at this point!

  FYI: SoapClassics.com is the industry leader in bringing old format television programs back to loyal audiences using the latest information technology.  In fact, remember the all-too-short-lived Classic Soap Channel that P&G once had on AOL?  "Yes, we did all the encoding," Yates confirmed. "We were the technical facility for that.," 

  Exactly how many episodes will be available, and when, will depend mostly on the audience.  As long as there is interest, Soap Classics will continue to release episodes.

  "The group of fans may not be large enough to keep networks interested, but yet there's still plenty of fans interested in this product both as home video and online, and interested in keeping it preserved and available for future generations."

  SOAPILEAKS: This week’s hottest news, interviews, and gossip!

  All My Children, TheOnlineNetwork.com — Who did JR samba to death?

  —How cool would it be for daytime fans if JR Martinez won the coveted Mirror Ball Trophy on this season’s Dancing With The Stars. I recently interviewed former Dancing vixen Pamela Anderson — and she’s rooting for the soaper and Chaz Bono.

  The Bold and the Beautiful, CBS — Sister Wives!

  --Big Brother reject Cassi Colvin is the second contestant to join B&B this season. She’ll spear on Oct. 20 in scenes opposite virgin Kim Matula’s Hope. Also, Patty Duffy pops out of the shower on Oct. 21 with honeymoon plans for his wife, Pam. And Ashley Jones has finally given up her full-time efforts to take over Hollywood. She returns permanently on Oct. 18 with a big new story (Hello: Nick and Owen).

  —Former Y&R fan faves Heather Tom and Shemar Moore are together again, but just not in G-City. The three-time Emmy winner earned a guest starring role on Moore's Criminal Minds. The actress will play Connie, a mother whose child goes missing. Tom's episode is slated to air Oct. 19.

  Last week’s Creative Rating: C-

  Coronation Street, CBC — RIP, Betty!

  —Iconic actress Betty Driver, who played Betty on Canada’s top-rated soap, Corrie Street, died at 91. She appeared on the sudser across the pond for 42 years. For the past six weeks, the vet was in the hospital, but always vowed to never retire from acting. If she was on a US soap, she’d have been so fired, right?

  Last week’s Creative Rating: A

  Days of our Lives, NBC – John pounds Marlena!

  —How gorgeous/moregeous is my wife, Deidre Hall? I’ll have what she’s having, puh-lease. This week, Jarlena fans will be smoking at least a pack of cigarettes when John pounds Marlena…. the way she likes it… hard, slow and fast all at the same time (desk sold separately). It’s the first time John and Marlena have made love since he was paralyzed by those writing hacks. Yep, the earth will definitely be moving. It’d be funny if Sami walked in on them again... just for old times sake!

  —First Ross Mathews (who is clearly legally a female), then Nate Berkus… and now Queer Eye for the Straight Guy’s Culture Expert and actor Jai Rodriguez will appear on the rebooted serial for a few eppys. More booty for a rebooted show; like it.

  DAYS is super smart for bringing on as many gay boldface names as they can before they fully launch their gay storyline involving Will Horton and Sonny Kiriakis (if that’s still happening, of course). Look for Rodriguez to start shooting at the Burbank studio in one week. FYI: “Gay Rod” also appeared on All My Children and One Life. Well, which gay hasn’t?

  —In future story 411, expect a quadrangle involving Carrie/Austin/Sami/Rafe! Also, Jennifer decides to date both Jack and Daniel. Hey, why not save time and just make it a threesome? By the way, how sexy is Matt Ashford this time around? He’s aging very well… and his acting chops are as killer as ever. It’s also nice to see Shawn Christian finally proving that he’s a capable actor when given the right material. The Jack/Jenn/Daniel triangle is fast becoming my favourite equation on daytime right now.

  Last week’s Creative Rating: B+

  Dirty Soap, E! — The Storm Before the Calm!

  —It was finally revealed why Kirsten Storms had to leave GH temporarily. Apparently, according to Storms’s sister-in-law, the Emm
y-nominated ingénue has “endometriosis.” Riiiight.

  —Looks like Vanessa Marcil Whatever has changed her mind on Dirty Soap. This weekend, the Emmy winner tweeted: “watch the sweetest @KellyRipa and classiest girl in daytime's new show tonight!!! Dirty Soap...OK, I'm catching up. From, the nerdiest girl.”

  Last week’s Creative Rating:: B+

  General Hospital, ABC — Critical Condition!

  —The big news over at Prospect Studios is: Who will opt to leave GH — and who will be canned? A handful of leading ladies are on their way out, whispers Soap Opera Digest. Possible departures may include the following: Kimberly McCullough, Julie Marie Berman, Kirsten Storms, Jane Elliott, Carolyn Hennesy, and Lisa LoCicerco. Hmmm….

  And no, there is no truth to the rumour that Kelly Monaco is going anywhere despite what you may have heard. She’s a lifer — and Brian Frons thinks she walks on water. And soap.

  —With a big exodus on the horizon, GH is loading up on inexpensive newbies to get the sudser through cancellation status sometime next year.

  —Meanwhile, joining Aussie actor Nathin Art Butler as Ewan Keenan (What kind of name is that?), Kodi Kitchen has been signed to the contract role of Maggie, a pediatrician who has ties to another GH staffer. The actress begins taping soon and her first airdate is