Soap Opera Uncensored: Issue 6 (UPDATED) Page 5

alive! And Sam and Jason reel over the possibility Franco raped the bride. Oh, happy day!

  One Life to Live, ABC — Snarky Face back? Fraternity Row cancelled!

  • Trevor St. John fans refuse to believe that Victor is dead — or that Todd killed him — so it came as no big shocker when Daytime Confidential reported that the popular actor may return before the show finishes taping. Will he appear as a ghost? Or is Victor indeed still drawing breath? As Uncensored suggested weeks ago, if St. John turned up alive on the show’s final air show, that whopper would more than likely draw thousands of eyeballs in Prospect Park’s direction the next week.

  • Due to Uncensored’s report last week, Robin Strasser confirmed that she was asked to come back to the show once for three air shows, not numerous times as I originally reported, but declined because she was sick. Too bad. This week, Dorian was played heavily in scripts… but via email.

  • One Life’s official last airdate has been revealed: Llanview will depart the airwaves of daytime after 43 years on Jan. 13, 2012. The show will finish taping in New York on Nov. 18. [Throws self off Llantano Mountain]

  • James DePaiva gets no respect! It appears that One Life, ABC’s ugly stepchild, is continuing the cycle of abuse within its own cast. “I’m really shocked that they didn’t bring Max back,” an emotional Kassie DePaiva tells TVLine.com. “Jim DePaiva made a huge contribution to the show, and I don’t know if it was intentional, the snubbing… but it doesn’t take [his contributions] away. Women of my generation still think he’s hot, and I’m married to him so I’m the luckiest one here!”

  Why does One Life refuse to give one of the 1980s top soap hunks (remember that iconic, ubiquitous “Max Is Back” ad campaign that even got Joan Rivers’ attention on her daytime talk show?) the respect he deserves? With Andrea Evans and Fiona Hutchison back, it’s such a lost opportunity to bring the show full circle since Tina/Cord/Gabby/Max remain the show’s top quadrangles of all time. Ugh. Oh well, as fans, we’ve been pretty spoiled so I’m not going to lament over this head-scratching diss.

  • Move over, Craze! Soap Opera Digest’s editorial director Stephanie Sloane tells Uncensored that the magazine will produce a special One Life tribute issue in time for Llanview’s broadcast goodbye. Hmmm… Wonder if People magazine will, too? Uncensored is also publishing a love letter to my favourite show ever. More details soon.

  • Move over, Justin Bieber! Is Andrew Trischitta One Life’s secret weapon? The sudser was no. 1 last week in the Mad Men-friendly demo of girls 12-17. Many in the business are attributing this to Trischitta’s growing popularity amongst younger girls. Most importantly, the insanely beautiful actor has won me over despite his missteps in the role. He’s one of my favourite actors on the show to watch because I’m enjoying seeing his growth, and determination to improve. He’s grown leaps and bounds recently, and that should be noted. Yes, he has the most luscious tresses I’ve ever seen on a hair model… but like Alison Sweeney, he may just evolve into a decent actor.

  • Four new actors have signed with PP: Tuc Watkins, Florencia Lozano, Shenell Edmonds, and Josh Kelly! That brings the total up to 13 actors.

  • One Life actors never catch a break when it comes to mainstream PR. Kim Zimmer tweeted that her appearance on The Rosie Show has been delayed. “Due to ‘technical difficulties’ my appearance on Rosie has been postponed!”

  • As Uncensored hinted weeks ago it looks like Ty Treadway is back taping on set. Meanwhile, Soaps In Depth is reporting that Meghann Fahy has also been spotted on the set as Hannah, the crazy teenager who forced Starr to bury James alive. One Life To Live’s David Gregory announced on Facebook he will not be heading to Prospect Park’s One Life in January. The actor stated:

  “Hey Everyone, just a note to say that I will not be joining Prospect Park. It was a very hard decision to make. But I am very excited to shoot the final episodes this next week. Thank you all for all your support. It means the world. I’ll never forget this experience. All my love to all you wonderful fans.”

  • Just when you think head writer Ron Carlivati can’t top himself! In a sweet love letter to soap fans, the thoughtful head writer is paying homage to Llanview’s soap-within-a-soap, Fraternity Row. In story, Frat Row is cancelled and diehard fan, Roxy, launches a Save Our Stories movement to get the show renewed…. Just as Uncensored had hoped a few weeks back. Great minds… Creator Agnes Nixon will play Frat’s head writer during One Life’s final week.

  Venice, venicetheseries.com — Water For Lesbians!

  • The highly anticipated third season of Venice is up for sale at the Emmy-winning show’s website (noted above). So head over and buy your season pass — or else.

  The Young and the Restless, CBS — The Avon Ladies!

  • Love how a few magazines and websites screamed out this misleading headline: “Eva Longoria: Back on Y&R.” In. Our. Dreams. If the Desperate Housewives sex siren were indeed hightailing her spitfire self back to soaps, you would have heard about it in a non-soap magazine!

  • Happily married couple, Marcy Rylan and Don Money, who clearly can’t keep their hands (and other body parts) off each other, welcomed their second son this past week. The new bambino joins two-year-old Jackson.

  • It’s the Avon ladies calling: Sharon and Avery have developed a small but very vocal following… as a couple! Sharon Case and Jessica Collins boast that rare but undeniable Sapphic chemistry that scream future soap couple in the same tradition as Guiding Light’s Otalia and AMC’s Bam! I say go for it. It may explain Sharon’s past slutty behaviour – and let’s face it, there’s a reason why her relationships with men have resulted in toxic fallout, especially when it comes to her self-esteem. And can you imagine Phylils’s reaction to her sister and nemesis doing the nasty deed? Moreover, it would be interesting to see how Y&R would handle a “character-driven” gay relationship. Creator Bill Bell tried to tell a lesbian storyline but ratings nosedived immediately, and he nixed it. Perhaps Bell’s daughter-in-law, Maria, could make her late, great mentor proud by rectifying Genoa City’s gay void for once and for all. The characters and actors are popular enough to have a built-in fan base… and considering Arena Bell destroyed its marquis triangle, Sharon/Nick/Phyllis, this move could revive it and spin it in another direction. Hey, it’s Avon calling… answer the door, Y&R! You won’t be sorry. On a side note, I find it hard to look at Collins and not see the perfect Sharon Case recast. Or is that just me? They are far too similar to vie for the affections of Nick… but a lesbian pairing could work.

  • The impossible has happened: I fast-forwarded through master class actor Michael Muhney. Yep, even Adam Newman is not immune to bad writing.

  • The Queen Returns: According to Soaps in Depth, Jeanne Cooper will reclaim what is rightfully hers on Dec. 23. As previously reported, La Cooper has been on a medical leave and Michael Learned is temporarily filling the role of Katherine Chancellor. While I can’t wait to see Cooper back on my screen, I have to say Learned was quite the formidable recast.

  • In story 411, after Victor sends Billy packing, Victoria and Jill search for their prodigal son/hubby. Check the nearest bar. Also, in other news, Neil asks Sofia to marry him. Puke.

  • Tomorrow, The Great Eric Braeden returns to Toronto for an appearance at the popular Women’s Show. Here are the deets:

  https://www.nationalwomenshow.com/toronto/features/guests.html

  MAD SOAP

  Fearless November Sweeps Preview!

  Days of our Lives —

  • Due to the popularity of Dirty Soap, DAYS rehires Nadia Bjorlin… and reunites Broe with Madison as an interloper.

  • Due to the popularity of Dirty Soap, DAYS casts Fary Bjorlin as Stefano’s first wife! Ratings skyrocket!

  • Due to the popularity of Dirty Soap, DAYS brings back Brandon Beemer as Shawn Brady, who finds Fary Bjorlin in Europe.

  • Due to the popularity of Dirty Soap, DAYS invites Kirsten Storm back because “You know, GH is so don
e!” She hits town with Beemer as Belle!

  • Due to the popularity of Dirty Soap, DAYS limits Galen Gering’s kissing time with Alison Sweeney.

  General Hospital —

  • David Kreizman is named GH’s co-head writer.

  • Sam is raped by Franco and becomes pregnant with his child.

  • Jonathan Jackson is recast with Josh Kelly as Lucky.

  • Anthony Zacchara loses his ability to scream.

  • Ethan is arrested for having sex with “The Painting.”

  • Kristina is recast with Becky Budig.

  • Vera Wang makes nice and becomes GH’s official costumer… designing funeral wear for the show’s inevitable cancellation.

  • ABC affiliates begin replacing GH with dead air.

  One Life to Live —

  • Agnes Nixon returns to town to lament over her soap Fraternity Row’s cancellation and murders WVLTV’s network president.

  • Little David Vickers takes a shit on Brian Frons.

  • One Life hits no. 1 in the ratings!

  • Josh Kelly is asked to host the Oscars!

  • Josh Kelly asks me to marry him.

  • Josh Kelly poses nude in Playgirl.

  • Josh Kelly splits the atom.

  • Stacy turns out to be Gigi.

  • Tina, Cord, Viki and Clint marry in a double wedding.

  • Victor Lord Jr. is alive!

  Venice —

  • Lara’s mom comes to town to help her daughter through her alcoholism. Yep, Fary Bjorlin plays Mama Miller.

  • Crystal Chappell creates a new web reality series called Dirty Lesbos!

  • Molly Burnett’s character turns out to be Gina and Richard’s long-lost daughter.

  • Eric Martsolf’s Van buries half the cast under the Venice sand beach just for kicks. His choice of shovel? His manly part.

  • Jill Lori Hurst breaks down with Peapack Syndrome and starts writing lesbian scenes without any kissing or sex.

  • Ellen Wheeler brings her Mormon followers to protest the debut of Venice in a lesbian bar. A few minutes later, Wheeler is making out with some chick.

  • Just like her spinning head, Liz Keifer’s vagina is heralded as one of the most versatile acrobats ever.

  • Shawn Christian’s chest is named Hottest Chest by a gay magazine. He responds, “That’s not my chest… that’s Crystal Chappell’s vajayay!”

  • Tina Sloan releases a new memoir to coincide with Venice’s premiere: Changing Labias. It’s a huge hit.

  • Mimi Torchin joins the cast as the fearless editor of a lesbian magazine, Dyke Weekly.

  The Young and the Restless —

  • In an attempt to keep it all in the family, Nick also sleeps with Daniel, Phyllis’s son.

  • Nikki returns to town… furious that Adam is parking in her spot at the Newman Ranch.

  • Sharon accidentally falls into Avery’s vagina.

  • Sofia is the latest woman to claim Presidential hopeful Herman Cain sexually harassed her.

  • Daniel announces he’s pulling a Chaz and getting a sex change. “Hey, I’m prettier than anyone on this cast.”

  • Debbi Morgan mysteriously goes missing just before Victoria Rowell shows up on set portraying Harmony. “This is my show, damn it!”

  • Sharon and Avery fall in love.

  • Sharon gets a restraining order against Victor Newman when he continues to act inappropriately around her.

  • Noah gets a personality.

  • Skye returns. “That volcano was like falling into Sharon’s vagina,” she says. “It was hot and wet.”

  • Y&R still doesn’t update its opening.

  • CBS considers changing the name of the soap to The Good Soap, Young and the Childish, or Watch at Your Own Risk.

  • Fans stage