Nelson Branco's Soap Opera Uncensored: Issue 44 Page 2

infinite wit and energy?

  Just keep going. It’s attitude. It’s up to you. You have to ask yourself: Do you want to live or die. I completely still feel young at heart. The youngest place in my body is my heart. The back, legs go out but the heart keeps on going.

  Were you born funny? Or was it a journey?

  Born funny. And, then, I went on a journey. They are two different things.

  You’re an inspiration to women and men everywhere because you began your comedy career at 37.

  It’s never too late. One of my dear friends is celebrating a birthday soon – and she’s not sure if she’s turning 99 or 100 years old! [Laughs] So, we have to forgive her because it’s adorable. She used to be a movie star. She credits her longevity to exercise. She’s exercised every day of her life. And she’s still interested in men!

  Do you ever think how different your career would be had you started earlier?

  I’ve never given it any thought because it never came up. [Laughs] I was busy having children. I couldn’t think about performing because I had no time.

  How do you think you’ll be remembered?

  Definitely as one of the first women comics who got on stage and shook my body around. I was very physical on stage, which was new back then. Our body is a part of our being so you have to use it. But I’m not the best: the greatest body comic that has ever lived is Carol Burnett. Oh, God is she funny! She’s funny from her face to her body! Especially her face! [Laughs] One look from Carol and you’re done!

  Your laugh is infectious and one of your trademarks.

  Well, the laugh came with the package – and it’s real. It’s my real laugh. I can’t help it.

  What do you think of female comics today?

  I don’t see many of them because I don’t go to comedy clubs anymore. I’ll tell you who I like: Rosie O’Donnell, Kathy Griffin, and Joy Behar. Joy is also a great beauty who happens to be funny. But I love them all. I’m proud of them. It’s tough being a comic let alone a female comic but they’ve fought as hard as I have. Back when I started, all the stand-ups were all male. And certainly all the successful comedians were all male. But somehow I became one of the boys with Jack Benny and Johnny Carson.

  What’s your favourite joke ever?

  NBC would have never have allowed me to tell it in a million years. But I did it anyway. I inserted the joke into my act without the network knowing. These were the days when the network would look at your material before you filmed. They went through every word. The reason why I’m telling you this is because the joke broke all records for applause and screaming in a TV studio. Now you want to hear it?

  Of course!

  Of course, you do! Here it is: Fang’s ugly sister, we were always trying to get dates for her because you can’t get dates for girls that ugly. We finally got her date. He took her out. When she got home, she had rice all over her hair. I thought, “Omigod… she got married! It’s luck!” But no, turns out a China man threw up on her! [Laughs hysterically] That’s my kind of joke, baby!

  It’s a good thing when you can laugh at your own joke!

  Oh, of course. That’s my litmus test. If I can’t laugh at it, it’s no good. You have to laugh at your own stuff – or what’s the point?!

  Do you think the censorship in the old days made it easier to be funnier? Or to you think it’s harder now because of all the freedom?

  Let me tell you something: it doesn’t matter when you tell a joke; a joke just has to be funny. Funny is funny. Not funny is not funny. It’s really that simple.

  Have you ever been heckled?

  Very little. And you know why? Because I am a funny person. There’s another reason why no one heckles me: I don’t have any dead air in my act. I’m either talking or they are laughing. Hecklers live on dead air. They have to have dead air to heckle and I do not allow dead air.

  That’s a great point. You were born in 1917 and have witnessed so much change. What’s the biggest change in your lifetime?

  I have ridden in a horse and buggy – which was gross! -- that’s how far I go back, kid! And yet, I rode in the Concorde. That’s called progress. Besides transportation, the quality of everything is better, better. Life is always refining itself.

  Do you have a favourite invention other than Phyllis Diller herself?

  I think the telephone was pretty swell. It was grand, really.

  Do you have any regrets? You don’t seem like you do.

  No! Are you kidding me? Regrets would give me a wrinkle! I don’t have time for that crap. Seize the moment and keep on moving is my motto.

  Favourite compliment?

  I really like it when people come up to me and tell me they really like the material because that means they are paying attention. And when I hear I’m funny that always works, too!

  What’s the greatest lesson you’ve ever learned?

  God, I’ve learned so many! But I would have to say: patience. I was not born a patient person!

  The Queen is celebrating her Jubilee this year. What do you think of the monarchy?

  Of course, I love the Queen and the monarchy – for the material alone! [Laughs] The Royal Family is loaded with material for comics. I love Queen Elizabeth because I think she’s adorable. Actually, I like Prince Phillip, too. In fact, he’s a friend of mine. I like him a lot: he’s tall, handsome and German.

  What out, Queen Elizabeth! [Laughs]

  [Laughs] Elizabeth and Phillip are big fans of comedy. We speak the same language. You know what Prince Phillip calls me? The Boy George of America! [Laughs] Isn’t that perfect?

  There’s an eternal rumour that Susan Lucci is your daughter!

  Every time I see Susan during a show, she runs up to me and calls me, “Mama!” Susan’s a beautiful, little girl! That’s been around for years but it’s not true. Many years ago, some newsperson up in your section of your country simply put it in print that we were mother and daughter — and for some reason, it caught on. People wanted me to be her mother.

  Who doesn’t?! Is there anything you haven’t done yet?

  I’m helping a friend write a new ending for his play. That’s what I’m working on. I’m still working every minute. I would never retire. I used to think I would retire but you can’t or you’ll die.

  Have you ever offended a celebrity with a joke? I do all the time!

  I don’t know if I have or haven’t. And it couldn’t matter less!

  Are you still doing stand-up?

  I’m not. I don’t think I would be good anymore at that. I’m 94, poopy! I love doing the talk shows. I’m good at that.

  What’s up with your romantic life? Are you still breaking hearts? Dating?

  I have a beau! We’ve been together for one year. And I’m crazy about him. He’s adorable.

  Don’t get pregnant!

  [Laughs hysterically]

  Poor Fang will know it’s not his!

  [Laughs hysterically]

  News & Views

  SOAPILEAKS:

  This Week’s Hottest News, Gossip, and Reviews!

  THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL, CBS/CTV — Flannery Exiting! Kanan Returns!

  • First Ronn Moss, now Susan Flannery. This past Monday, SOAPS IN DEPTH stunned the soap world — which is still reeling from the news that one of the original core four cast members, Moss, is leaving — by revealing Susan Flannery has opted to exit the popular serial. According to SID, the actress had agreed to a short-term contract to give B&B time to "strategize in terms of storyline".

  In a DIGEST piece explaining the latest ouster, B&B showrunner Brad Bell stated: "Susan, for quite some time, was thinking she needed a break or just have some personal time. She's been through a lot personally; we know that she had her own battle with cancer and she’s had such an amazing career that she will continue to have as Stephanie Forrester, but I think it's not so much as a disagreement between her and the show, but more Susan figuring out where she is right now and what she needs. Now, Susan is going to have
an incredible time with a new storyline that we've never seen before; something completely unique and interesting.”

  I’m not crazy how Brad Bell likes to blame Susan Flannery’s cancer for everything. But whatevs: She will be missed. However, perhaps this means more airtime for the underused Katherine Kelly Lang, the show’s real star. But you know it won’t translate into any more story for Hunter Tylo and Winsor Harmon. I say, bring back Lesli Kay, Stephanie’s true heir apparent  — and let the games begin. I’m so sick of this Steffy/Liam/Hope mess. Enough, Brad! Don’t ruin a hit storyline by over-saturating the canvas! Your Dad would have never done that.

  • Oh, Ronn Moss! First off: How did the B&B stud get over 130K Twitter loyalists when Katherine Kelly Lang has less than 10-thousand followers?

  The popular actor gave a sit-down interview to EW.COM to explain/justify why he has decided to leave the show. He doesn’t explain much and just rambles, so I won’t rehash it, other than to say, the Universe has been speaking to Moss. Get in line, baby. And maybe you should speaking to the magazine that made you a star: SOAP OPERA DIGEST not EW.COM, who could give two shits if you’re alive except for the web hits via soap fans. It’s ironic that these a-hole soap stars demand respect from their showrunners yet refuse to repay the soap press with loyalty; an industry that has been covering their ageless assess all these years. KARMA, bitch. Do the math. I pray